Care and feeding of your PC

Whether you use Apples or oranges, some computer terms are universal. Here's a basic list of words I’11 be using in the months ahead that you will need to know:

Application - this is the software that you use to produce a document. You might have a word processor, a database, or a spreadsheet. Each is an application. But if all you use is Space Invaders, you might end up needing a job application.

Backup - a current copy of the data contained on your hard disk, or of important floppies. If you don't have one, you need one immediately. As in yesterday.

Bug - a glitch or a mistake in a program. For instance, if you tell your machine to open your memo file from last week, and it instead pours coffee on your lap, then the program has a bug in it.

Byte - a basic unit of measurement for information storage. It isn't the smallest unit, nor is it the largest, and some companies define its quantity differently, so just smile and nod knowingly. Some common usage: kilobytes (a thousand bytes), megabytes (a million bytes) and overbytes (see an orthodontist).

Card - most computers today let you add capabilities by adding cards. You might add a modem card, a sound card, or a video card. But to get any of these cards, you will definitely need a credit card.

Directory - this is the list of all the files on your hard disk. Depending on the type of computer you use, this may also be a listing of all of the subdirectories, sub-subdirectories, and so forth. It's a little like a phone book, and a lot like a headache if you lose a file.

Disk - there are two main types of disks you'll need to know about: floppy disks and hard disks. Either of the standard-size removable disks (5.25” and 3.5”) is called a floppy disk, even though the small one doesn't flop. The magnetic disk inside the shell would flop all around if you pulled it out. Don't do that; just take my word for

it. Hard disks are the large, usually non-removable components inside your computer. If you use an IBM-compatible, it's probably your “C” drive. If you use a Macintosh, you probably named it "Martha" or "HAL 9000."

DOS - despite the unprintable interpretations of this acronym you may have heard, this really means Disk Operating System. It's the basic set of commands that lets your computer understand what you want from it, unless you use a Macintosh. It uses ESP.

File - a collection of information that has been stored on a disk. This might be a memo or an application itself. But if you copy someone else's files illegally, get your mother to bake one in a cake.

Format - before you can store any information on any disk you have to format it. You need to format new floppy disks when you buy them, unless you spend big money on pre-formatted disks. This creates areas on the disk so that your computer knows where to look for that memo you wrote last week.

Hardware - the actual equipment that makes up your machine: the monitor, keyboard, disk drives, mouse, and the hammer you use to beat the machine when it won't work right are all examples of hardware.

Memory- a temporary storage area for information and applications. There are many types of memory, but the two you need to understand first are RAM and ROM, which are explained elsewhere. I'd tell you exactly where, but I forgot.

Mouse - a device that lets you move a pointer around the screen to select items or commands. Some people say all kinds of cute things about the term “mouse,” or dress their mouse up with ears and whiskers. These people should be avoided at all costs.

Program - This is either a noun or a verb. A program is a series of instructions, or software application. To program is to write a series of instructions that make your computer behave in a certain way, sort of like the Moonies.

RAM - it means Random Access Memory. RAM is the memory that your computer uses when it is on. When you turn it off, anything that hasn't been saved to disk is lost forever. That's where your memo went last week.

ROM - it means Read Only Memory. This is memory encoded into chips inside your machine somewhere. It can't be changed without enormous effort, and you don't want to anyway. This is highly-classified stuff Nobody ever talks much about ROM anymore, sort of like Cousin Earl in San Quentin.

Screen Saver - have you ever looked at a bank machine's monitor? You can read all the choices even when all it says is, “I have eaten your card, please contact the bank.” That's called burn-in, and a simple program that blanks your screen when it isn't in use prevents that. You really don't need flying toasters or Klingon battlecruisers. Honest.

Software - any set of instructions, whether it be an application or a virus, is called software. Never, ever, copy someone's software, unless you want to move in with Cousin Earl.

Upgrade - a piece of hardware or software maybe upgraded, or altered to reflect changes in current technology or the removal of bugs. However, you may need to upgrade the limit on your credit cards if you want to keep current these days.

Virus - this is a particularly nasty piece of software that can infect your machine, causing it to flash crazy messages, or worse, destroy data. Viruses (viri?) can be earned by any disk, even shrink-wrapped software. Fortunately, there are many good anti-virus products on the market that should help you protect your machine. Chicken soup won't help.

While this glossary is far from being all-encompassing, it should provide you with the basic terms needed to confuse just about anyone, other than your next-door neighbor's children, who took graduate-level computer science classes while still in elementary school.  ❏